The Year of 2012

Alhamdulillah it is end of Jan 2012 already. So far life has treating me kind compared my time in Sydney last few months. But I didn't regret my decision to go and work in Sydney ever. Because I like the city and made some strong bondage with a few people there. 1 person in particular is very close to my heart and I thank Allah for this opportunity. What will happen to me for the rest of 2012.....well I leave it to Allah coz he knows what is best for me. I just sent my thesis correction this afternoon to my supervisor and hopefully before end of this week I'll get back his reply. I really want to submit the final version of my corrected thesis before 1st February 2012 insyaallah. So please pray for me. Take care. XOX

My Last Week Working as a PA.......

Yes this is my last week working as a PA to a high post person for our government in Australia. It was a very interesting journey for me I must say. I worked a little bit more then 3 months but the experienced I got out of it was very different from the other organisations I used to work with. The ups and downs, the 'interesting' people I met along the way and so many things will make me a better person hopefully. I learnt so much especially how 'old school' people in the government run things. My late husband if he is still around would be around these 'old school' people age but the way he handled things were so different from them. Oh well....I guess that was one of the reasons why he left the government agency and work on his own until his passing.

What ever it is I have no regret what so ever as the experience I gained here will enriched my knowledge about people and others. During my 3 months plus working here I met someone that might have significant impact in my life. But it is too early to say anything yet. However, if Allah answer my prayers something significant will happen in early 2012. Also, just before Christmas break I got my PhD thesis result saying that I passed with minor corrections. Though I have yet to get the official result but UPM and a few people started to call me Dr already. It gives me goose bump as I think the title is too glamour for me and over here academicians do not use that title. Perhaps when I go back home to Malaysia I'll use it but only for official functions insyaallah. If not I prefer people to use my first name Siti. So that is another great news for me before 2011 ends. So far 2012 looks as if it's going to be super great for me and I pray Allah will make everything smooth from now onwards. After all life begins at 40 and in July 2012 I will be reaching that milestone insyallah. Till then.....happy new year and hope that 2012 will bring happiness and more success to all of us. Amin.

I'm in Sydney now (since 12 September 2011).....

Oh yes.....fate brought me to Sydney since 12 September 2011. I work as a Personal Assistant (casual post) for the Director/ Consul/Head of Post at Education Malaysia Australia (EMA)/Consulate of Malaysia Sydney. My bos is a lady bos ;-D and this is my second time working under lady boss....my only comment about her is that the way she handles things is different. Will write more about my experience working at EMA and Consulate of Malaysia Sydney perhaps next year. Till then....cheers.

Time to say goodbye Brisbane........almost but not quite yet.

Yes it is July 2011 and I had submitted my PhD thesis for my external examiners for more than 1 month now. After 3 years and 9 months in this crazy roller coster PhD journey I still couldn't believe that I actually reached this mile stone. Although, I have to wait for the result from the external examiners but at least I passed so many stages already. Right now I just need to pass 1 final stage before I can be called a Doctor. So many things have happen through out my PhD journey in Brisbane. I make so many new friends as well as 'enemies'. But those who became my 'enemies' are harmful and most of them 'mI still in talking term with them. It's just that now they are no longer in my good book that's all. Also, I will be extra careful to put my trust in them. However, what ever they did to me were nothing major really, and I don't blame them for their wrong doings, because I'm not a perfect person myself. Beside, I know what PhD can do to people especially when you are far away from your family, lacked of attention from your love ones, no one to talk to, and after all my life is too much FUN that made these people envy me to the max. Hahahahaha........I just pray that these people will find happiness in their life one day. And 1 day they can be my friends once again. PhD journey is only for those who has a STRONG resilience towards so many ups and downs. And maybe only half of them came out normal ;-D.

Looking back at those things of what my 'enemies' did to me.....I think JELOUSY has been playing a big role in it. Oh yes.....in my almost 39 years old of life I have came accross so many JELOUSY cases.....that feeling is the most EVIL feeling in all human being. I must admit I have that jelousy feeling too but I ignore it most of the times. I NEVER used it to back stab people or spread ill rumours or exegerate stories to others about anyone. My jelously is only for me to feel and to know. But different people have different ways of handling things....so all of my experiences with these 'special' people will make me a stronger person in life. Also, I learn more about people and how all of us are the SAME no matter where one come from, and even from different culture and believes. We are all the SAME, that's the FACT. There are always the nice and 'not nice' people around us. So we have to deal with it. As for me during my last few weeks in Brisbane I just want to enjoy myself and chill out with my favourite people. For those who are no longer in my good book well......too bad for you kids!!!

15 years back…….1995 it was.

I could remember clearly on the 20th April 1995, that was almost 15 years back when I was 15 kilos ago and when I was 23 years old I gave birth to a cute and small baby girl at 1.30 am. She was among the smallest babies at Hospital Lati, Pasir Mas, Kelantan. Yes, my baby girl weight was 2.55 kg and it was just enough for me to take her out from the hospital the next day back to my mother in law’s house. She takes my late hubby’s face and my late hubby was really proud of that. He was there at the hospital when I delivered my baby girl but due to Malaysian government hospital’s rules, he couldn’t be inside the delivery room with me. It was my first baby and my hubby wasn’t allowed to be with me……oh well at least everything went smoothly. But let me tell everyone…….the experience of giving birth at a small district government hospital was NOT fun at all. But looking on the positive side, at least I experienced the hardship of giving birth like what my Mum went through (or maybe during her time even worst…..and not to mention during my grandma’s time, and during my great grandma and……oh ok I should stop now). The pain was so unbearable so when I got not so good services from the midwives (there was no Doctor around the ward after 5 pm unless for emergency cases) I just ignored it. I cried for a little bit coz I felt my waist was going to fell apart from my body…….it was just totally PAINFULL (and no I wasn’t given an epidural). I instantly thought of my MUM every time the pain came, I knew then what my Mum had to go through to have me and of course my other siblings (7 of us and 2 miscarriages). I wanted so badly to run straight to my Mum, hug her and tell her sorry for causing her all the pain when I was in her tummy. To ask for her forgiveness to all the wrong doings I did to her before that and to become a good daughter…..but of course my Mum wasn’t there so I just promised myself that the first thing I wanted to do after I go out from the hospital is to call my Mum and thank her, and tell her I LOVE HER so much. But at least I have my mother in law with me. She was in the ward with me and I really appreciate her presence at that time because she really made me feel much better. She massages me for hours, and gave lots of encouragement words. She is a nice mother in law indeed and made me feel like my MUM was there with me inside the ward. I will always remember her in my prayers and I love her just like my MUM.

Hang on……this story is not about me it is about my baby. Ok my baby was tiny but healthy. When we wanted to name her my late hubby let me decide the name hence I requested to put Siti as her first name like me. All the girls in my family have Siti as their first name starting from my grandma, and my late hubby was happy with my choice. The middle name was pretty random really because I thought of name that quite similar to my step daughter (Nurliana). So I decided on Nurellyza and the third name was taken from my name again Suria (thank God my late husband was a very supportive husband). My late husband knew how excited I was in naming our first baby since that was my first and for him, well……he had his time before. He was a GREAT husband indeed, and that’s why until now nobody can replace him in my heart. He was a very SPECIAL man……so we decided to name our daughter as Siti Nurellyza Suria Ab Rahim (my late hubby’s name….Ab Rahim).

But……………something bad happen after 1 week of giving birth to our first baby. My late hubby had to go to another state to attend some important political ceremony and suddenly he had stroke. He was hospitalised and couldn’t talked due to the stroke and later the doctor found that both of his kidney stopped working. After that he never recovered from his kidney problem and he became even sicker, each day and after 1 and the half years he passed away peacefully at the age of 40. My daughter was 1 and the half years old, and I was 24 years old and in my final year doing my degree. What ever it is life goes on……I mourned for his passing for 2 weeks and straight away went back to university to finish my study. I know he will always be with me in my heart and I have to finish my study for my daughter’s sake, myself and my late hubby. That wasn’t all actually, when my daughter was 8 weeks old something else happen…….when we took her for routine check up for baby, the Doctor told us that she was born with internal cleft palate problem http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleft_lip_and_palate. Hence, she needed special care and had to go through an operation when she got older. Me and my late hubby (he was still around at that time) cried together to learn about this news…..but we knew Allah tested us because HE LOVES us. Of course to accept it was a little bit hard, but after a while we learnt to accept it.

At first we called her Ellyza but later my Mum decided to make it even shorter to Ija and we just followed my Mum after that. Due to my circumstances Mum and Dad came to the rescue, she looked after Ija ever since she was three months old, while I looked after my sick hubby and focus on my study. So Ija stayed with Mum, Dad, my two younger brothers Husna and Husba in my hometown. After my late hubby passed away Ija continued staying with my parents and brothers while I tried to make a living. It was HARD……very HARD, I graduated right in the middle of the worst economic crisis ever hit Asia. That was in 1997 and job was very hard to get, and I was jobless for 6 months…….and once again my parents were there for me. In fact, all my other siblings Kak Na, Kak Chik, Abang Ni, Salwa, Husna and Husba were so supportive and help me in what ever they could. When Ija was 3 years old I took her for the long awaited surgery to fix her cleft palate at a private hospital (oh yeah I learnt my lesson well). Thanks to my late hubby’s powerful friend who sponsored the hospital bill and the problem was fixed. I was and am indeed very blessed, alhamdulillah and that was what my late hubby’s wanted before his death, to fix Ija’s cleft palate…..Not long after that, Allah answered my prayer and I got a better job with Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) in the year 2000. In 2007 UPM offered me a scholarship to do my PhD at QUT, Brisbane. At that time I decided it was a perfect timing for me to bring my daughter with me to Brisbane. When I went to Dunedin, New Zealand in 2001 I couldn’t bring her due to financial constraint. But in Brisbane everything is paid for by my government (Thank you Malaysian government for this opportunity). Allah is great……..he knows the best for me, so in January 2008 I took my daughter Ija to come and stay with me in Brisbane. She was 12 years old at that time, and Mum cried so hard until she fall sick for 2 weeks. Imagine that…….I almost sent Ija back when I knew that Mum missed Ija so much but again, I’m blessed to have such a good family. They cried with me, they shared my pain, they supported me through thick and thin and after a while Mum was okay.

Now, it has been almost 2 and the half years Ija stayed with me and she's soongoing to turn to 15 years old in 12 days. I’m so proud of her and I pray to Allah that she will be successful in her life, and will be a good Muslim forever. Ija is a teenage now, a well behave, mature and obedient kid and I have so many people to thank to. For without them I may not be able to have such a great daughter in my life. To those whom I tagged your names here from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU/JAZAKALLAH so much for helping me and Ija to get through in this tough life. I will always in debt with all of you and may Allah bless all of you. To MAK, ABAH, KAK NA, KAK CHIK, ABANG NI, SALWA, HUSNA, HUSBA, ABU, ABANG FUAD and ABANG IZZ you are THE WORLD to me. Thank you for making Ija feels like she has her PAPA and family around all these years. Because of all of you, she NEVER, I repeat NEVER, EVER felt like she has no Dad at all……and all because of yous. I LOVE ALL OF YOU and HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY IJA. Keep up the good work daughter and Umi will always be here for you insyaallah. If Umi is no longer around, insyaallah our family will always be there for you. XOX

Finally..........I am over to the next stage! Part II

I joined my new faculty which is totally different from my normal background middle of April 09. It was an entirely new experience and totally different environment for me who came from the faculty that is known for their business like and professional approached (bla bla bla...what ever). I must say I had a 'small' cultural shocked at this new faculty of mine hahahaha. Things like unisex toilets; 'artistic' (too artistic) photos; different group of sexuality people (openly declared); and creative story telling (hmmm too detail I must say....). So I was a little bit shocked at first but the funny thing is that, these new group of people accepted me in almost instantly. They really make me feel comfortable and feel at home. Even the g** group are so nice to me and as usual were sooooo fasinated with my believe and religion. So here we go again......explaining about my culture and religion like I always do where ever I go, but don't get me wrong....I LOVE doing it. Looking at how amazed people are with my culture and religion from my perspective is just great. Most of them didn't know much about my culture and religion or got wrong information about it. There are just kind people...I love them all. My principal supervisor is a renown professor in his area and I'm very blessed to have him as my supervisor. He had produced over 30 PhD students.....hmmmm I wonder if I ever gonna produced that many PhD students or even 1/3 of it. Even to finish this journey is still fuzzy and blurry. Anyway, I am so thankfull to my supervisor who agreed to take me under his wing and I still remember the very day he said to me..."You have found your new home now....you have a home now". I cried instantly hearing those kind words (and it happen during our first meeting....how embarassing) and realised once again that, they are actually many kind people in this world. Praise to Allah for that.

Because of my special case status, the uni gave 3 months for me to complete my confirmation which is really hard to achieve like I said earlier even for English native speaker. Of course I didn't achieve it in 3 months time but I achieved it in 6 months time! Wow....what a feeling....at last, THIS IS IT. But the biggest contributor to my confirmation story must be given to my associate supervisor who turned to be my principal supervisor for the past 3 weeks. He really was the person who made this happen....he worked with me so hard for 5 weeks and I hope he will continue doing that after this until I get my PhD. After all the struggles and pain I went through....I got this much awaited confirmation status at my university in Brisbane early Nov. To learn that even the fastest English native speaker student could get through their confirmation stage was within 9 months was really a soothing feeling to me. At least after the long struggle to get my confirmation status there is something you can feel proud of ;-). I started from zero at this new faculty, everything from scratch....as if I was a new PhD student who just registered. I had to start all over again. So to get through the confirmation after 6 months was really a great personal record for me. Yeah, there are so many people involved in this journey which I can't thank them enough but they know who they are and I really appreaciate all their help. Apart from my two most loveable supervisors who help me got through this process and of course my family and friends there is another person who costantly pushed me to work hard. The person is MJFD....sometimes he can be so harsh with his words to me (and he is sooooo young!!!), and I hate that. I really hate it when young people acted that they know everything and on top of that they were right about it. Arghhhh terrible feelings....but to my dearest MJFD, thank you, thank you, thank you. You are a true friend indeed and I hope you'll be successful in your field and your PhD too. I am blessed to have you around in Brissy dude.

This section is dedicated to people who constantly help me with my PhD study in Brisbane (of course there are more but these are the name who directly involved in this journey). Professor Greg Hearn; Associate Professor Michael Keane; Professor Ahmad Shuib; Associate Professor Kusairi Noh; Associate Professor Ghazali Musa; Eric Shelton; MJFD; Siti Salwa Isa and Dila Kamaruddin. I can't thank you enough for all the support, guidance and assistance so may Allah blessed all of you always. Like I said there are more people involved and I thank all of them so much for everything.

Anyway, now that I got my confirmation life is so relaxing I must say. I spent a lot of my time organising parties with lots of food involved, watching youtube, catch up M'sian tv programe and facebooking. Now I'm waiting to go back home for data collection for two months. I need this break althouhg it is not entirely a break but I need this break from Brissy. I haven't been back to M'sia for almost 2 years due to the twisted and dramatic stuffs going on with my PhD starting from Dec last year (2008). But now I can go HOME, yes HOME. And I'm so looking forward for that and can't wait to see my family. But....what is going to happen next after this? Well I guess we just have to wait and see.....because none of us know what the future lay infront of us. Hmmmmmm what I'm thinking right now is just to go HOME. Ok now...PACKING!

Finally..........I am over to the next stage! Part I

It has been 2 years and 3 months I'm in this crazy research journey (the academicians called it as PhD). With all the dramatic and twisted plots finally, finally I managed to get through my confirmation stage. At my university we have to defend our research proposal after 1 year of our registration. For international student like me we can ask for another 3 months extention without any problems. Should we need more time after that, then only things can get a little bit complicated. For my case, things were a little bit complicated due to miss matched of supervison team. I don't want to go bitching around about the past but it was a very 'expensive' experience for me during that time. Not only both of my supervisors didn't even try to defend me during my confirmation seminar (I can forgive them for doing that actually) but the fact that after I didn't get through the confirmation stage and none of them made any efforts to contact me really make me MAD. I didn't expect them to say sorry or to console me, but just to show some caringness when I was in a deep pain. After all we worked together for 1 and the 1/2 years to do this project but right after my seminar they ignored me as if they never knew me before. My associate supervisor who is almost one year younger than me even pretended she didn't see me if she saw me after that. I was invisible to her eyes....how strange was that!!!!! But.....that's life isn't it, this things will never stop, you will meet this type of human being for the rest of your life. Sometimes even worst than my EX-supervisors. To me both of them are so unprofessional academicians, and as human being they are just immature and childish. Perhaps they thought with their Dr title they are God (puhleaseeeee not in a millions years with that kind of attitude). Opssss hang on didn't I say that I don't want to bitching around about the past hahahahaha. Sorry I got carried away when comes to this particular 'experience'.....

Anyway, finally the sun came out and here I am still in this crazy game with a confirmed status for my PhD status. Yes, after 2 and 3 months of madness changed of supervisors and faculties finally I made it. While my previous supervisors 1 of them left the university that I'm studying at (at the end of the day I was the one who stayed and he left the uni when his original intention was to make me leave....), and another ex-supervisor still working here but hardly dare to look at me if we bumped into each other. I joined my new faculty and due to time constraint the uni asked me to prepare my confirmation document and seminar within 3 months!!!! Even, English native speaker NEVER did that before. The earliest they can submit a confirmation document and had their seminar was in 10 months time. But I had to do it in 3 months time.....what an experience aye. I had to start all over again, everything from scratch and the rest is history.....(To be continued).